how to get out of debt FAST

eight extremely helpful suggestions from a recent graduate

This business man looks too stressed to even enjoy his calculator time :(

Are you struggling with student, medical, or gambling debt? You’re not alone. Now that getting on Ellen for being a child rapper is no longer an option, you’ll have to be a bit more creative if you’d like to pay your bills. Here are a few ways that you can ditch your debt for good: 

1. GoFundMe

This may seem obvious, but it can’t hurt to ask. If you have any marginalized identities, this is where they should shine. Don’t be afraid to claim identities even if you might not fit into them all the way. These days, anybody can be neurodivergent, not just people with neurodivergences. Make sure you also share the most devastating, sad details of your life. You know how people can’t look away from car crashes? Imagine if the car was crashing into a giant sign that had your Venmo on it. Cha–ching!

2. Gamble a little bit more

Most people who stop gambling actually quit right before they hit it big. Don’t give up! This could be the time!

3. Only Fans

That’s right. Get rid of your AC and replace it with just fans. You’ll easily save hundreds on your electric bill alone. Plus, if you get a plucky neighborhood kid to stand behind a fan and sing, it’ll feel just like T-Pain is in your living room, easily saving you thousands on concert tickets. This one’s a financial no-brainer.

4. Sell your plasma

Plasma is an important part of healing. But it can also be an important part of your personal finances. You don’t even have to stop at plasma – many body parts will fetch you at least a couple months tuition on the black market. It’s not pretty, but hey, which would you rather have – working skin or up to $50? Uh, yeah, I know which one I’m picking.

5. Insurance Fraud

The fun thing about insurance fraud is that it’s a win-win. If you pull it off, you’re rich, but if you don’t, you’ll get to go to white collar prison, which is basically just a Panera you can’t leave. Low risk, high reward.

6. See a congressman committing a murder

Logistically, this takes some planning. But once you’ve successfully laid the groundwork (we’d suggest getting his mistress to cheat on him), you’re looking at a massive chunk of change provided the congressman doesn’t turn his homicidal rage on you next. The good news is that debt is forgiven upon death, so again, win-win.

7. Sell your eggs

If you have a uterus, this could be a good option! As long as you’re not Black, poor, disabled, ugly, or annoying, your eggs could fetch a pretty penny. Also, you can’t have been diagnosed with any kind of anxiety disorder (the egg could scramble :( ).

8. Baby trap Nick Cannon

This one is tricky, but not that tricky, because he’s a whore. You’ll be sharing his finances with his 12 known children and their mothers. At this time, it’s impossible to calculate how many more he’s working on, so if possible, try to ride him so hard his penis becomes unusable (make sure he ejaculates first). This will reduce or even eliminate the number of other future children you’ll share with. Kids don’t even need money because they get lunch at school already, so you can go ahead and spend the child support on whatever you’ve got going on. 

Voila! With these suggestions, you’re sure to be out of debt faster than you can say “It’s $500k by tomorrow morning or the whole world hears about how the Senator cleans up his messes.” Here’s to enjoying your financial freedom.

I’ll be going with #6, so everyone else, actually, please try not to see any senators committing murder because I called dibs on monetizing that. Until then it’s back to the job search xx